No Snow Job's Chance in Hell
by frostyfreezyfreeze54
Summary: The Thank You, Heavenly All-Star Doubleheader continues! Seattle is constantly whipped by snow, and Wade creates a machine to eliminate the laborious task that is shoveling. But when he becomes too commercial and other snow removal businesses take over the streets, Wade becomes obsessed with work and the boys have to snap him out of it.
1. No Snow Job's Chance in Hell Script

_Thank You, Heavenly_

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 2

EPISODE 17

Airdate: February 16, 2014

Title: No Snow Job's Chance in Hell (Part 2 of the All-Star Doubleheader)

Segway Segment: Classic Music Videos ("Pour Some Sugar on Me" by Def Leppard)

Satire/Social Commentary: Old vs. new debate, Run-DMC's commercial success and eventual decline as younger, more exciting acts (Eric B. & Rakim, Public Enemy, Boogie Down Productions) outshined them

Special Guest Stars: None

(The NFL GameDay theme song plays in the background as the camera shows various locations in Seattle, all covered in tons of snow; You also see snow plows, people shoveling out, and little kids having snowball fights)

SCENE 1

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky is in his winter gear with a shovel and a de-icer, looking depressed; He's watching the weather)

JEFF MENDLESON: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Winter Storm Paige has rocked the Northwest, one of the biggest snowstorms in years. Roads all over are hard to get by, so it's very recommended that you stay in today, don't even bother driving. All public schools in the region have been closed today. So it looks like you kids get a little snow day.

SPARKY: (Bleep) snow.

Meanwhile, at Wade's house...

JEFF MENDLESON: Now as you see, there was a cold front developing near San Francisco but a snowstorm was not expected. Originally, we were just going to get some rain as usual, but Paige gained power late in the morning and spread around the entire Northwest region by 6am.

(Wade looks outside his window, seeing about 4-6 inches of snow)

WADE: I can't believe this. Who the hell actually wants a snow day?

Meanwhile, at Buster's house...

BUSTER: Ah, snow days. My favorite pastime. This shovel looked rusty when I first took it out, but it looks like the job will get done regardless.

(Buster opens his front door to see his driveway blanketed with the white stuff)

BUSTER: LET'S DO THIS THING!

(RK is dressed in a helmet, ski goggles, a big blue jacket, and is running with skis down the steps)

RK: Man oh man, today's gonna be a slam dunk!

(RK runs past KG towards the door)

KG: Whoa, hold up, RK. You and I have to shovel the driveway.

RK: What?! Are you nuts?! I hate shoveling snow! That's one of the worst things a person could ever do-well, that and having to sit through _Scary Movie 4._

KG: Hey, if it was up to me, I would just sit around and smoke blow, but I don't need the city to fine us for gross negligence.

RK: Come on, man, my day was packed. All the kids at school are planning a Winter Olympics on the golf course! The relevant kids, not the background kids that never say anything.

KG: Look, RK, we all have our jobs. My job is to go to Los Angeles and cover a surfing competition. And your job is to go to school.

RK: Dude, you really need to stop watching so much _Full House _late at night.

KG: Sorry, that was my first da-da-da-da. (KG realizes he's quoting the show again for no reason) Man, you're right. But enough chitchat, time to work!

(unenthusiastic) RK: Yay, time to work. God, please give me strength. And if Testicular Sound Express is on the golf course by the time I'm done, I'm duffing KG. Write that down, why don't cha?

("Still Unbroken" by Lynyrd Skynyrd playing in the background)

Sparky, RK, and Wade are not happy about this time of year. The time of year to once again shovel snow and deal with horrible, face-freezing conditions. Buster, on the other hand, is having a ball as he's treating snow shoveling like a hobby. Due to having done so little outside work in his life, including shoveling snow, KG has to teach an angry, cold, and humiliated RK how to hold the shovel. How to properly de-ice the driveway and how to sweep the snow off the porch. By the end, Sparky, RK, and Wade are all tired and freezing cold. Buster finished his shoveling first, followed by RK (due to KG doing a lion's share of the work), and then Sparky. Wade finished dead last, as his shoveling skills are just as D-list as RK's, and his shovel broke halfway through. He went to Jaylynn's house to borrow hers, but she never came to the door for some reason. He was then forced to buy a new shovel to finish the work-only to find out he had a spare in his garage after he was done.

SCENE 2

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky, Buster, and RK are drinking hot chocolate. Wade and Jaylynn aren't there.)

RK: I'm cold, I'm tired, and I'm pissed.

SPARKY: RK, you've said that fifteen times since you got here. Please shut up.

RK: But I have to! I'm cold, I'm tired, and I'm pissed.

SPARKY: Dude, if it makes you feel any better, we all hate snow and shoveling it just as much as you do.

RK: Snow is fun. I just hate SHOVELING snow. Also, de-icing my car, de-icing grounds, shoveling snow off my car, slipping on ice, walking on it...

BUSTER: Welcome to winter, bub.

(RK raises his eyebrow at Buster)

BUSTER: I'm just saying, I don't know why you guys get so worked up when it comes to snow days. I love it. Getting to shovel out all that snow, making your driveway look the best on the block.

RK: Dude, you have a condo. Isn't there a guy who gets paid to shovel snow?

BUSTER: No. It's not like an apartment. If you have a condo, you're expected to do your own shoveling.

RK: That's a dub.

BUSTER: Not really. Snow shoveling is one of my favorite pastimes. I think it's because of the fact that I'm a winter baby.

SPARKY: Buster, you were born in July.

BUSTER: Yeah, but if a winter baby was in my system, it helps me out when I need to...shovel.

(long pause; Sparky stares drunkenly at the camera)

SPARKY: I'm just going to agree with what you said and not even try to question it.

RK: Hey, where's Jaylynn? I haven't seen her all morning.

BUSTER: Me either.

SPARKY: She went to Miami to get away from the snow. Remember that atmospheric thing I used to have?

BUSTER: No.

RK: I wasn't there for that bit.

SPARKY: Well, apparently, it was passed on to Jaylynn and she knew there was a storm coming. So she packed up her stuff and left.

RK: That's one of the single stupidest things I've ever heard.

SPARKY: I don't know, Jaylynn's a weather psychic now or something. Plus, she might get some nice South Florida ass.

(Wade walks in, angry)

BUSTER: Wade, you look really cold! Hold on. I'll get a knife and keep you warm.

WADE: No, that's not necessary!

BUSTER: Damn, no one ever lets me get the knife.

SPARKY: I prepared some hot chocolate for you, I'll get it.

(RK stares at Wade for a good amount of time)

WADE: I have the feeling you haven't stopped looking at me since I came in.

RK: How's the cold, Frosty?

(being given his hot chocolate) WADE: Thanks Sparko. My legs are numb, my fingers feel like they're going to come off and that snow made my body feel like mashed potatoes. God, I hate winter!

SPARKY: And according to the local weather reports, Winter Storm Cynthia is expected to come at us on Thursday. We can expect at least three more inches of snow.

WADE: I can't believe this. I heard over in Spokane, the snow plows are stuck. None of the roads can get plowed now.

RK: This sucks. I went to the golf course an hour ago. I was only able to sign up for two events because I was later than everyone else. I tried protesting, but they said I wouldn't get to take part in anything if I kept acting like a whiny punk bitch.

SPARKY: You know what? We need to come up with something that can help decrease the agony and suffering that shoveling brings.

RK: Yeah. A machine that could get rid of all that snow in a flash.

SPARKY: Yeah, some genius out there needs to make a machine like that.

WADE: Guys?

RK: If only we had the technology to build something that advanced.

WADE: Guys?!

SPARKY: I don't know, I could go over to Ashley's place, maybe she has an idea of, how to make something like that, you know...

WADE: HELLO, YOU DUMBASSES! I can make that.

SPARKY: Wade, are you sure? This is a pretty complicated feat.

WADE: Well, who's better at complicated feats than me?

BUSTER: True, but I think the plural of foot is feet, not feets.

(long pause; Wade smacks himself in the face)

WADE: Look, it's basic science to me. I can just take an existing object and modify it to my liking so it can get rid of snow faster than shoveling and plowing combined. And besides, I hate being out there freezing to death just to get rid of that fluffy white crap. Enough is enough and it's time for a change.

RK: I hear ya. Just make sure you have everything set. The last thing you want to do is make a stupid decision. I had to teach Manny that last week.

CUTAWAY GAG

MANNY: RK, do you have Ms. Benavides' class?

RK: Manny, you've been in that class for more than three months and you're asking me that now?

MANNY: Yes.

RK: What do YOU think?

MANNY: I just want to know if you're in the class...

RK: NO, I'M NOT IN THE (BLEEP) CLASS!

END OF CUTAWAY

SCENE 3

iCarly Elementary School

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky, Buster, and RK are walking towards the school)

RK: I can't believe they're going to drop 3-5 more inches of snow.

SPARKY: Yeah, there's going to be freezing rain along with some showers and then more snow.

RK: What kind of winter is this? It's a nightmare!

SPARKY: I know, right?

(Buster slaps both Sparky and RK)

BUSTER: GET A HOLD OF YOURSELVES! You perverts.

(The boys notice Wade standing in front of the school with a bunch of kids around him)

SPARKY: Hey, what's Wade doing up there?

RK: Anne Hathaway?

(Sparky and RK then say "OH! CHECK, PLEASE!" at the same time)

SPARKY: No, but seriously, what's going on?

BUSTER: If he's showing everyone his collection of cashews again, I'm going to be so tight.

(The boys walk to the front)

WADE: Don't worry, everybody. You will all get a chance to try it.

SPARKY: Wade, what are you doing?

BUSTER: Oh, you're not showing everyone your cashew collection.

WADE: I would like to introduce you three, my dearest friends, to the Saltalamacchia Snow Buster. SSB for short.

BUSTER: He put my name in there!

SPARKY: Buster, he doesn't mean you.

BUSTER: Oh.

WADE: I also started doing this thing where I say the name of the product in an annoying way and this shows up. (The "TM" logo shows up next to Wade, meaning the SSB is trademarked)

RK: What...what is that? What the hell is that, an attempt to be witty?

WADE: Probably. You want to see how this works?

BUSTER: That's what she said.

(Sparky and Buster then say "OH! CHECK, PLEASE!" at the same time)

WADE: OK? Anyway, I've modified this hydrogen-emitting mechanism with a mysterious red substance. This substance has the capability to eliminate 85% more snow than a shovel and a plow combined. And it's all at the modest price of $39.95.

RK: $39.95?! (simulates choking himself) PRICES! CHOKING! ME! PRICES! CHOKING! ME!

SPARKY: Is that really necessary?

WADE: There are four speeds here. The higher the speed, the faster the snow is cleared. I recommend the 8x speed. That's the highest speed you can go at this point because the 16x speed still has some bugs to work out.

(hypnotized at the thought of the SSB) SPARKY: What did he say?

(also hypnotized) RK: I don't know. Something about Apple Jacks?

TRAVIS: I want to try first.

WADE: Go ahead, Mr. Bryan. Anything but 16x speed.

TRAVIS: Got it.

(Travis uses the SSB to get rid of some snow; The area is cleared entirely; clapping)

WADE: See that? And no residual ice!

SPARKY: That's amazing.

RK: The SSB is definitely on my wishlist in spite of the high prices.

BUSTER: I'm not impressed.

RK: Buster, are you butthurt because old-fashioned techniques are being phased out right in front of your eyes?

BUSTER: No. But just because something is old-fashioned, doesn't mean it's worse.

SPARKY: Oh, come on, there are lots of examples of new things being better.

BUSTER: You wanna bet?

(A picture is shown of New Coke)

WADE: Winter Storm Cynthia is tomorrow so if you don't want to shovel out for hours and hours, get yourself...an SSB!

(The "TM" logo appears)

RK: That's going to get really annoying.

WADE: I have plenty more, line up if you want one!

(All the kids get in line for their SSB, including Sparky and RK; Buster simply walks up the school steps)

SCENE 4

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

JEFF MENDLESON: So it's imperative that you shovel out as soon as possible because in three days, Winter Storm Michelle is going to pound the Northwest. The three-part storm we were initially supposed to get will be Michelle. Snow starting around 3am, switching to sleet around 9am. A little rain in the afternoon with a thunderstorm, and then more snow in the late hours.

WADE: Put your pajama clothes back on, B. I have the SSB.

SEVEN MINUTES LATER

WADE: Wow. My walk's done. Guess I'll head down to the golf course for some Winter Olympics...because I can!

At RK's house...

KG: Stupid snow coming again. It's like Hulk Hogan's career, it doesn't know when to end.

(KG walks into the non-existent snow; The entire house is cleared)

KG: Oh my God. I'M IN THE FOURTH DIMENSION!

At Buster's condo...

(While shoveling out, Buster whistles "Cleanin' Out My Closet" by Eminem)

At Sparky's house...

Sparky and RK are getting prepared to enter today's Winter Olympic events.

SPARKY: Are you ready for some bobsledding action?

RK: Are you yanking my chain? It's one of my favorite events! Those Canadians won't know what hit 'em.

SPARKY: So the plan is pretty simple. We get to the golf course, we meet Team Canada, we're gonna hug 'em, we're gonna kiss 'em, and then we're gonna whoop some Canadian behind! (Sparky does a shake)

RK: Dude, before the whooping, I need you to do something for me.

SPARKY: Sure.

(pulling out a necklace with a monkey on it) RK: In every competition I take part in, I need someone to kiss my lucky monkey. It brings good luck, which was obviously implied by my last statement.

SPARKY: Dude, I'm not kissing your lucky monkey.

RK: You better unless you want to get smacked up.

(Sparky raises his eyebrow at RK)

RK: Don't try to play me, I'm not scared. Just kiss my lucky monkey.

SPARKY: Look, I'm not going to do that.

RK: Kiss my lucky monkey.

(Sparky sighs, and kisses RK's monkey necklace)

RK: No, that was a peck. Full-on French kiss, Holmes.

(Sparky angrily stares at RK)

RK: OK, let's go.

SCENE 5

Arnold Palmer Fairway

Exterior Bobsled Station

Seattle, Washington

(All of the kids in Seattle are at the golf course to compete in Olympic events. Including Buster and Wade. They're both watching the snowboarding event between Team Russia and Team India.

WADE: Are you sure I can't persuade you into increasing your snow-eliminating productivity?

BUSTER: No. I'm perfectly fine with old-school shoveling craftsmanship. However, I do appreciate you naming it after me.

WADE: Buster, I didn't name the SSB after you.

BUSTER: Nope, you can't deny it anymore, you admire me and this was your way of showing it.

(Wade angrily stares at Buster)

Meanwhile, at the bobsledding station...

RK: OK, Sparky, if you get scared, just clutch my back really tight because I hear bobsledders really like to cuddle.

(long pause)

SPARKY: Did you sign up for this event so you could cop some homoerotic feel?

(An adult male walks up to Wade)

ADULT MALE: Hello, Mr. Saltalamacchia.

WADE: How do you know my name? I never signed up for that chat room, you can't get me!

ADULT MALE: No, it's nothing like that. My name is Robert Ferguson, maker of Ferguson Shoveling. It's the #1 snow shoveling business in the Northwest.

BUSTER: You're Robert Ferguson? THE Robert Ferguson? My family has been one of your valued customers for years!

ROBERT: Yes, and how do you enjoy the product?

BUSTER: The product is very enjoyable, my good man.

WADE: Why don't you guys take selfies together near the hockey rink?

ROBERT: Now, hang on, kid. I've heard about the meteoric rise of the SSB. I admire your moxie, your guile, your modus operandi. The business-influenced mind in young people is something I love to see. In fact, I want to increase the popularity of your product.

WADE: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Slappy, I don't lay down for the man. Forced to sacrifice the integrity of my creation for commercial success? I don't think so.

BUSTER: So get to steppin', Fergface.

ROBERT: I'll get you Pepsi commercials that will start airing in the Northwest exclusively in two weeks.

WADE: Deal.

(Wade shakes hands with Mr. Ferguson)

BUSTER: Wade, are you really going to let this guy who I now have conflicting feelings for bribe you?

WADE: Hey, anything can be made better when you give a guy his own Pepsi commercial. Besides, aren't you the one who was bribed with a damn stick?

BUSTER: They're whimsical! And even then, what makes you think the SSB can benefit off this? The minute more people hear about the product, they're just going to bite your steelo.

WADE: I doubt that. The Saltalamacchia Snow Buster has top-notch advanced technology, the likes of which no one will be able to imitate.

(long pause)

BUSTER: Wade, if you're capable of building something like this, why aren't you a college graduate by now?

(Wade blankly stares at Buster, unable to answer that question)

SCENE 6

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky is getting set to bust the snow of Winter Storm Michelle)

SPARKY: OK, time for me to drop the thunder on another batch of snow.

(Minutes later, Sparky shuts the machine off)

SPARKY: Hmmmm. What did Wade say about the 16x speed? Oh, the hell with it.

(Sparky puts it on 16x, and although the snow is erased even faster, the machine starts breaking down to the point where Sparky throws it on the ground and it combusts)

SPARKY: I can't believe this! Wade ripped me off!

SCENE 7

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Sparky throws the remains of the SSB on Wade's coffee table)

WADE: What did you do?

SPARKY: Me?! You're the one who sold me a defective machine! You're no better than those infomercial people who never deserve any airtime because their product is dumb, but they get it anyway.

WADE: Sparky, did you put it on 16x speed? I distinctively told you not to do that.

SPARKY: When did you say that?

WADE: In front of the school where the SSB ("TM" logo) was unveiled. I still have to work out some bugs, but you should have more respect than that, Sparky.

SPARKY: You know what? I DID put it at 16x speed. And it is ignorant of me to come here and confront you like this when you didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry, Wade.

WADE: It's OK, man. And you know what? I'm going to hook you up with another SSB, free of charge.

SPARKY: Thanks!

WADE: Any time.

(RK walks in Wade's house)

RK: Wade, everyone loves your product! You've gotten 95 more orders, and half of them aren't even from Washington state!

SPARKY: Well, Wade, it looks like your collaboration with Mr. Ferguson is paying off.

WADE: Well, I'm glad it is too. This is way better than that last job I had writing the DirecTV commercials.

CUTAWAY GAG

This commercial plays out just like the regular DirecTV commercials.

VOICEOVER: When your cable company gives you the shaft, you get annoyed. When you get annoyed, you do something to subvert it. When you do something to subvert your annoyance, you hurt yourself. When you hurt yourself, you never leave the house because of your huge fear of taking risks. When you never leave the house because of your huge fear of taking risks, you get bored. When you get bored, you feed your dog alphabet soup. When you feed your dog alphabet soup, the letters travel to her brain instead of her stomach. When they travel to her brain instead of her stomach, she gains the ability to speak. When she gains the ability to speak, she never stops talking. When she never stops talking, you lose your mind. When you lose her mind, you buy a nine. When you buy a nine, you shoot and kill your talking dog. When you shoot and kill your talking dog, you go jogging to erase your guilt. When you go jogging to erase your guilt, the police arrest you. And when you're arrested, they make you drink a glass of Tang for precautions. Don't let the police make you drink a glass of Tang for precautions as a result of them arresting you as a result of you killing your talking dog. Get rid of cable, and switch to DirecTV.

END OF CUTAWAY

SPARKY: Didn't they fire you because your commercials were too satirical?

WADE: Yeah. They were total scumbags anyway.

RK: You know, Dish Network wasn't that bad.

(long pause; Sparky and Wade start laughing)

RK: It's not that funny.

WADE: Yes, it is! Oh my God!

SPARKY: YOU LIKED DISH NETWORK?! WHAT A DORK!

(Sparky and Wade continue laughing while RK leaves)

SCENE 8

Seattle, Washington

Sparky and Buster are about to go to Ike's.

BUSTER: I don't get it. Your machine broke down, can't you sue Wade for malpractice?

SPARKY: Buster, do you even know what malpractice means?

BUSTER: Yeah, practicing at malls.

SPARKY: I assume you think photosynthesis means the synthesizing of photos?

BUSTER: No way. What kind of dumbass combines two words and thinks the definition is just a combination of those two words?

(Sparky gives Buster a bored look)

SPARKY: Well, it doesn't matter anyway. We worked it out and I got a new one for free. Can you believe that kind of steal?

BUSTER: No, I can't believe it. I also can't believe you and the entire Northwest is falling in love with that new fangled techno junk.

SPARKY: Buster, do we need to have a very special talk about your superiority complex?

BUSTER: What are you talking about?

SPARKY: I understand your shoveling technique brings you happiness, but you're not making it better by acting like an asshole. We use the SSB because we want to make shoveling snow easier, and you should respect that.

BUSTER: You know what, I should. Sorry for acting like a dick. I just don't want the shoveling business to become obsolete. This is just like when the drum machine replaced sampling in hip-hop.

SPARKY: The sampling era came AFTER the drum machine era.

BUSTER: No (bleep) way.

SPARKY: Hey, what's that? On the telephone pole?

(Buster notices a sign on the telephone pole, but not the one Sparky notices)

BUSTER: "Corky's Computer Club of Coolness. Kids wanted around the Seattle area. We have snacks." You know, I hate when these upstart organizations try to tease you with false promises.

SPARKY: Not that sign, man. This one.

BUSTER: "Masters of Snow. You like the SSB? You'll love Masters of Snow. Best in the city at snow removal. Machine capable of getting rid of the white stuff in less than two minutes, guaranteed." Are you kidding me? They have more of these now?

SPARKY: And check this out. "The Precipitation Annihilation. We spit on the SSB."

BUSTER: And look! "Buster Newman's Everclean Snow Shoveling. Old-fashioned never felt so good." That son of a bitch thinks he can just move in on Wade's turf?

(imitating Michael Yarmush) SPARKY: BUSTER!

BUSTER: Yes, I know the sign's mine, but the snow removal business is a slippery slope. You need to learn how to survive in these streets.

(The "oh-oh-ohhhhhhh-oh" from the _Big Time Rush _theme song plays as Sparky and Buster look at more posters from other next-generation snow removal products)

SEGWAY SEGMENT

CLASSIC MUSIC VIDEOS

JAYLYNN: Hello, everybody! I'm Jaylynn Michelle Huie from the television series _Thank You, Heavenly. _I'm here in Miami trying to avoid the horrible conditions over in Seattle. The people here aren't as self-absorbed and stupid as I thought. Anyway, you want the music videos? We've GOT the music videos. Here's one of the biggest hits in glam metal history. It's Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me." Enjoy!

Song: Pour Some Sugar on Me

Artist: Def Leppard

Album: Hysteria

Year: 1987

Label: Mercury Records

(The video for "Pour Some Sugar on Me" plays)

"Pour Some Sugar on Me" was the last song written/recorded for _Hysteria. _Producer John "Mutt" Lange believed the song was the crossover hit that the album needed. Sure enough, "Pour Some Sugar on Me" ended up becoming Def Leppard's signature song.

SCENE 9

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Sparky and Buster are watching Wade film his Pepsi commercial.

DIRECTOR: Rolling...speed...and action!

WADE: Wow, I'm thirsty.

(Wade goes into the kitchen, kicks his shovel out of the way to Buster's anger, and chooses a can of Pepsi over a can of Coca-Cola)

WADE: What's the point of being young if you can't live for now? The new generation is once again taking over.

(Wade drinks his can while "It's a New Day" by Adelitas Way plays in the background)

VOICEOVER: Pepsi. Live for now.

DIRECTOR: And cut.

SPARKY: Excuse me, director sir? What message are you trying to convey with this commercial?

DIRECTOR: You see, when the SSB burst onto the scene, it phased out the old-fashioned techniques of shoveling and plowing. Just like when Pespi became wildly popular in the 1980s because it spoke to the new generation, the young people. We wanted to recapture that feeling with this commercial: That the old ways of doing things have to go.

SPARKY: So you're making a 1984 commercial for 2014?

DIRECTOR: Exactly. 30 years ago, Pespi took off like a rocketship and this is a love letter to all of our fans.

BUSTER: Wade, the Saltalamacchia Snow Buster is facing severe competition!

WADE: What? My business is slowly entering the mainstream media. What do these local chumps have to show for it?

BUSTER: More advanced technology, faster processors, acceptance within the streets...

WADE: Well, look, the SSB has imitators. Local copycats. I'm the one with the best product. And the people will see that.

Five days later, at school...

WADE: You're what?!

TRAVIS: Sorry Wade, but the Precipitation Annihilation is way better. Plus, it feels more comfortable on your hands.

WADE: Travis, the SSB is not meant to give you a handjob. It's meant to eliminate the tedium of shoveling snow.

TRAVIS: Well, my tedium just has to be eliminated somewhere else. Sorry.

(Travis walks away, and RK walks up behind Wade)

RK: Dude?

WADE: HOON CHA-CHO! Oh, it's just you. Hey, when's your first therapy meeting?

RK: This afternoon. But there's something you should see.

WADE: What?

(RK opens his laptop)

RK: You remember those projections you told me to make so I could keep track of next-gen competition?

WADE: Yup.

RK: Well, check this out. Last week, Saltalamacchia Snow Buster was the most popular snow removal product in the Northwest. This week, it's Masters of Snow.

WADE: How is that possible? Those clones wouldn't exist without me! All they did was reverse-engineer my formula and make adjustments to it.

RK: Yeah, but they're more popular for PR reasons. The people behind the products connect more with the streets than you.

WADE: How?

RK: Look, the common folk respected your audacity to replace shoveling and plowing in the game. But once you started moving units, teaming up with Ferguson, endorsing Pepsi...people are starting to think you're too commercial.

WADE: Crap, this is what I wanted to avoid! How can I get the customers back? I can't lose business! Another storm is on the way Monday!

RK: You have to improve your street accessibility. If you're more relatable than the others, you'll be the big man on campus again. And dump Ferguson.

WADE: But he's the one who made the SSB commercially attractive!

RK: You have to put quality over quantity, Wade.

WADE: (sighs) I guess you're right. Give the people what they want.

RK: Exactly. (pulls out monkey necklace) Hey, I'm scared to meet my therapist today. Would you kiss my lucky monkey?

SCENE 10

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Wade's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

That afternoon, Wade is trying to come up with a way to make the SSB regain its street credibility.

WADE: OK, I need to find a good way to make buyers see that I'm not as pop as I come off. I mean, I'm almost a certified genius. What could work? A bake sale? Door-to-door solicitation? Flip books with pretty pictures? Come on, Wade, use that old noggin. I know, Wade, but I need something. I need inspiration. I need...

(Wade looks at his wall poster of Sammy Davis, Jr.)

(beaming) WADE: Sam. Sammy, Samele. My main man, speak to me. (imitating Davis, Jr.) Who can turn a lug nut?

(Wade shakes his head)

WADE: Looks like Sammy was no help. (long pause) Hey, when did I put up that poster?

SCENE 11

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky is on the phone with Wade)

SPARKY: Well, yeah, I was just thinking we could go to the golf course tomorrow morning. Olympics? More business stuff? OK. (long pause) I don't sound like Alex Mack! Bye!

(Sparky hangs up)

SPARKY: DO I sound like Alex Mack?

BUSTER: What did he say?

SPARKY: He's planning this big press conference tomorrow that's supposed to improve public relations. I can't believe this. He's said no to every fun thing I asked him to take part in.

BUSTER: It's this business, man. The SSB is too pop for its own good and I guess he wants to turn public opinion around. Besides, we're all obsessed with something at some point. Remember you and that Red Alert toy?

CUTAWAY GAG

Sparky and Buster are sitting in the living room of his house with a toy named Red Alert. It has blue eyes, blue lips, and blue armbands. It has a red hat and all-red pajamas. It also has blue shoes and blue buttons.

SPARKY: See? When I wind it up, it keeps saying "Red Alert!" several times just before it starts to get annoying.

(Sparky winds up the toy, and it constantly says "Red Alert!" in an annoying way; Sparky adores the toy, but Buster is easily annoyed)

BUSTER: Sparky, can you please turn it off?

SPARKY: I can't, you have to wait until it's done.

(It goes on for a lot longer)

BUSTER: Sparky, shut the damn thing off!

SPARKY: I just said I can't! It's become self-aware!

(Buster goes into Sparky's kitchen, rummages through his toolbox, grabs a sledgehammer, and comes back to destroy the toy)

(while smashing it repeatedly) BUSTER: I SAID TURN IT OFF!

(Buster breathes heavily while the toy shuts off, but it continues to say "Red Alert!"; Buster has a bored expression while Sparky just has a blank stare throughout)

END OF CUTAWAY

SPARKY: But that's ALL he does. This is why Wade's losing customers. He made the SSB for the people. Now he's making it for the man.

BUSTER: What do we do? This can't be good for him psychologically, all that work. You see, if he just took shoveling classes instead of making this generation lazier than it already is, he wouldn't have this problem.

SPARKY: They have those?

BUSTER: Yeah, at the community center. Improvement is guaranteed.

SPARKY: Well, we need to do something about this. Wade can't get sucked into the business. If he does, we'll never see him again. And then Testicular Sound Express will no longer have a smart one.

BUSTER: RK can be the smart one.

SPARKY: No, he's too weird.

BUSTER: You?

SPARKY: No, I'm the leader, I'm supposed to be neutral to everything.

BUSTER: Me?

SPARKY: I think you know the answer to that already.

BUSTER: Jaylynn?

SPARKY: Who? Oh yeah, her. Sorry, this feels like an episode held back from the first season.

BUSTER: It really does.

SCENE 12

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

It's nighttime and RK is there alongside Sparky and Buster.

BUSTER: I don't get it. Since when did you have a fireplace?

(feeding Santa's Little Helper) SPARKY: I always did, you just never noticed it.

BUSTER: Well, that logic hole has been patched.

RK: What's the plan again? Buster only told me the gist of it.

BUSTER: Oh, and that's my fault, you jackass?

RK: I don't even think that.

BUSTER: Oh...sorry.

SPARKY: Look, for tomorrow's press conference, Wade says he's come up with this super-cool speech where he talks about the fame not changing him. He also has plans to unveil Version 2 of the SSB.

RK: Oh yeah, I heard it's projected to sell 4-5,000,000 copies across the region.

SPARKY: Exactly, so we're going to sabotage it.

RK: Why do that? This business is his livelihood.

SPARKY: RK, he's been at this for a month. And this SSB junk is changing him. Wade's all business, all the time.

RK: Well, can't we just tell him how we feel?

BUSTER: No, you can't negotiate with businessmen.

SPARKY: Exactly. So we're going to tear him down from the inside. We pretend to argue over who gets to read Wade's speech and we "accidentally" throw it in the fireplace.

RK: Ooh, marvelously wicked, my friend. I didn't know ol'Sparky had the chops.

(long pause)

BUSTER: Are you sure that fireplace has always been there? Because I've checked your house and you don't have a chimney.

SPARKY: Well, that's a very interesting question. You see...

(doorbell rings)

SPARKY: Oh man, that has to be Wade. OK, everybody stick to the plan and act casual.

RK: Roger that.

(RK gets into a sexy pose)

SPARKY: NOT LIKE THAT!

(RK gets into a more natural pose, and Sparky opens the door to reveal Wade, wearing a suit and tie)

SPARKY: Wade, it's so great to see you.

WADE: Yes, I'm sorry to be late to the debate, but my 4:00 got switched with Diana's, then I flew to New York to take care of some business on Wall Street.

(Sparky looks dumbfounded)

(to Buster) WADE: Pimberton, make me a coffee. Cappuccino, extra Sweet and Low, hold the foam.

BUSTER: You know who I am, dumbass!

SPARKY: Um, was Wade probed by a CEO or something?

RK: No, he's suffering from a psychological deficiency called delusions of grandeur. It's where the afflicted is convinced of something that's clearly not true. It shares comparisons with the folie a deux and the placebo effect.

(Sparky gives RK a dumbfounded look)

RK: What? I may be crazy, but I keep myself well-read.

WADE: So, do you guys want to hear my glorious speech? I honestly believe this will help me regain the street audience I lost.

SPARKY: That's a wonderful idea, Wade. You know what? I'll read it right here...right next to this fireplace real casual like.

WADE: I know what you little buggers are trying to do, get away from the fireplace forthwith!

(scared) SPARKY: Aye-aye, captain!

(whispering) RK: Dude, that was our only ace in the hole. What do we do now?

SPARKY: Relax. We can still make this plan work. (reading Wade's speech) Wade, some of this isn't even real. You weren't raised on the mean streets of Hollis by your abusive mother.

WADE: Some hyperbole adds sensitivity and color to the story. I think my rags-to-riches tale will help shed some light on my newfound entrepreneurial status.

(long pause)

BUSTER: Sparky, if you don't snap Wade out of this, I'm going to punt his skull into the new millennium.

WADE: Buster, you and your barbaric ways of solving problems. I think once I move to New York City, I'm going to devote my free time to reforming the youth.

SPARKY: You're moving to New York?!

WADE: Of course. The Saltalamacchia Snow Buster is becoming a big deal and I won't have time to humor you guys in your trivial pursuits.

RK: In some ways, this isn't any different from how he normally acts, so...

(in his mind) SPARKY: Wade will become a laughingstock in New York. He really HAS sold his soul to the man. I need to wrap this up.

WADE: Are you done with the speech?

(whispering to RK) SPARKY: Let's stage an argument so we can get it in the fireplace somehow.

(RK smiles)

RK: You know, Sparky, this is an amazing speech Wade wrote. In fact, it should be written on stone tablets.

WADE: But, of course.

SPARKY: Oh yes. It's awesome.

RK: Can I touch it? Really take it in?

SPARKY: No way, homeboy. I want to keep this treasure. Admire it, so to speak.

RK: Don't be selfish, give me that puppy. Let me smell it.

(RK takes the speech)

SPARKY: What if I want to smell the puppy?

(Sparky takes the speech)

RK: You already got to, let me smell the puppy.

(RK takes the speech)

SPARKY: I want to be the first to smell the puppy, and if you're the first to smell said puppy, it ruins everything.

(Sparky takes the speech)

RK: Come on Holmes, let me smell the puppy.

(RK takes it)

SPARKY: I want to smell the puppy.

(Sparky takes it)

RK: I want to smell the puppy.

(RK takes it)

SPARKY: You don't deserve the puppy.

(Sparky takes it)

RK: I...want...the puppy.

WADE: We can all smell the damn puppy, now hand over my speech!

BUSTER: I kind of want to smell the puppy too.

SPARKY: I want to smell the puppy.

(RK and Wade topple Sparky over and he purposely drops the speech in the fireplace)

WADE: NO! MY SPEECH! SAVE THE PUPPY! SAVE THE PUPPY!

(RK and Sparky keep Wade from entering the fireplace)

RK: Wade,don't you understand? We had to save you from yourself!

WADE: What are you talking about, my speech!

SPARKY: Wade, it's time to get real. You've turned into a pretentious tool who's sole purpose in life is caring about the business you started.

WADE: What's wrong with that?

SPARKY: You were going to go out there and lie about who you were to all those people. You sold out, man. You made shoveling and plowing obsolete. And in the process, you became a corporate schmuck just like the rest of them!

(Wade looks disappointed)

WADE: You guys feel the same way?

RK: Hell yeah.

BUSTER: You couldn't see the truth, Wade. IT AIN'T RALPH THOUGH!

(long pause)

WADE: You know what? You guys are right. I only made the Saltalamacchia Snow Buster ("TM" logo) so I could make snow removal easier. Pretty soon, I lost my principles and I was too busy thinking about money instead of keeping my eye on the prize. Now these other companies are better than me.

SPARKY: Hey, it happens, dude. You're the hip, young unique guy that gets rid of the old generation. Then you start abandoning the streets and doing things the mainstream way. All of a sudden, you open your eyes and see that the turf is no longer yours. Society forgets about you.

WADE: Then you start following trends in an attempt to stay relevant. You become an imitator instead of an innovator. I'm glad I didn't turn into them.

SPARKY: Everyone's glad you didn't turn into them.

WADE: So what happens now?

RK: You do the only thing a smart businessman can do: Quit while you're ahead.

WADE: It was a nice run.

SPARKY: An era coming to an end.

RK: Four long years and the curtain closes now.

WADE: I'm going to miss it.

SPARKY: Me too.

RK: It really helped me get through some tough times. I grew up with it.

SPARKY: It was a long ride, but it can't go on anymore.

WADE: An incredible storybook way to go out.

RK AND SPARKY: Yup.

(Wade, RK, and Sparky have a group hug and cry; long pause)

BUSTER: What the (bleep) are you guys talking about?!

SCENE 13

Arnold Palmer Fairway

Exterior Hockey Rink

Seattle, Washington

Testicular Sound Express is getting ready for their hockey game against Team USA.

RK: So, what did you do about your press conference?

WADE: I cancelled it and ended my partnership with Ferguson. He turned me against my beliefs in the first place. From now on, the SSB is not for sale and non-profit.

SPARKY: Cool! You're still making it?

WADE: Of course. Good product made with love is something I wouldn't give up for all the Pepsi commercials in the world.

BUSTER: I have to admit, this IS a cool little gadget.

WADE: See, I knew you would like it!

RK: So, what DID happen to your Pepsi commercial? I don't see it on TV anymore.

WADE: I cut my ties with Pespi and now the commercial is strictly online.

RK: Good. That was some cringeworthy shit, am I right?

(Sparky, Buster, and RK all start laughing)

WADE: It's not that funny.

RK: It is, that was a bunch of feces smeared on toast! The only way it could be funnier is if there were black ladies singing in the background!

(Sparky, Buster, and RK are cackling)

WADE: Really? You too, Sparky?

SPARKY: I'm sorry, that commercial was way too funny! I'm really sorry, Wade, but that was too much! Which one was funnier, this one or MC Hammer's?

BUSTER: Who cares? THEY WERE BOTH GARBAGE!

(The oh-oh-ohhhhhhh-oh plays again as Wade stares angrily at Sparky, Buster, and RK; it stops momentarily as Wade proceeds to hit all three of them in the head with his hockey stick)

WADE: INJURED STARTERS, NEED RESERVES!

ASHLEY: On it!

WADE: Thanks, Ashley.

ASHLEY: You're welcome!

(black screen)

TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for...

STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!

KIDS: Music Time!

STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.

("Let The Funk Flow" by EPMD playing in the end credits)

©2014 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS

FAREWELL GOOD LUCK CHARLIE


	2. No Snow Job's Chance in Hell B-Pass

PRODUCTION/CULTURAL REFERENCES

-I had to write this episode. The snow has really gotten to me, and I realized that I've never made an episode where the characters deal with it. I thought about writing it the day after the Super Bowl, where there was another unexpected storm. I think it's snowed 10 times since December at least.

-Initially, this was going to be a Jaylynn-focused episode until the concept changed. That episode will air next week, and introduce a new female character to the _Thank You, Heavenly _cast.

-The title is a triple reference: A reference to the term "snow job," which means a con or deception (something Wade was planning to do), a reference to the old saying "A snowball's chance in Hell (meaning something has little of a chance of happening as that)" and the theme song for WWE's Mr. McMahon, "No Chance in Hell."

-Jeff Mendleson is an actual meteorologist here in New York. I don't know if he still works for TV.

-I didn't see a point to put Jaylynn in this episode, so I left her out. Besides, she's getting her own episode next week, so who cares?

-Wade's situation parallels what happened to Run-DMC. They phased out the older generation of disco hits with a harder, more street-smart version of hip-hop. Their 1986 album _Raising Hell _helped raise the commercial viability of the genre (selling up to 3,000,000 copies) and Run, DMC, and Jam-Master Jay. After being forced into a hiatus in 1987, several new rap acts had taken over the streets and ushered in a new era of hip-hop despite not having the commercial appeal of Run-DMC. As a result, their 1988 album _Tougher Than Leather _sold about 1.8 million copies. That's why when Sparky and Wade say them, they're talking about Run-DMC.

-Sparky mentions the pilot episode of the show when he brings up his old atmospheric powers. This is punctuated by RK breaking the fourth wall when he says "I wasn't there for that bit."

-Buster is referencing a _Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back _scene where Luke Skywalker is put inside a tauntaun's flesh by Han Solo to save his life. Buster's idea was to cut himself open with a knife and Wade could go inside him to keep him warm.

-About time someone made fun of DirecTV.

-I don't like people asking if I'm in their class.

-A couple days ago, one of my friends kept telling me "IT AIN'T RALPH THOUGH!" and I didn't understand what the hell he was talking about. So I said to myself, "Why not have Buster say it but give it some weight within the storyline?"

-Sparky, RK, and Wade are referring to _Good Luck Charlie _near the end of their conversation where they cry.

-There were several _Full House _references in this episode:

KG telling RK that everyone has a certain job to do is the exact conversation Danny had with D.J. in the season one episode "D.J. Tanner's Day Off."

Seconds later, KG quotes the season one episode "Just One of the Guys" when he says "Sorry, that was my first da-da-da-da." This is the first thing Steve (played by Kirk Cameron in a guest role) says when he enters the Tanner house to visit for a few days.

Wade trying to connect with his Sammy Davis, Jr. poster is exactly what Jesse did in the season two episode "Jingle Hell." Quote-for-quote. Wade questioning the poster being there is because the poster was only meant for that scene.

Sparky and RK constantly arguing over who got to smell the puppy referenced the season seven episode "Love on the Rocks." In an attempt to prank Joey after playing constant pranks on the family, the Tanners attempt to fool Joey into thinking he won the lottery. Danny and Jesse then fight over who gets to smell Joey's winning ticket, and it's thrown in the fireplace.


End file.
